Don’t you ever just crave a doughnut? she said! No, I said! I recognize that’s just bread. What I really want, Noanne, is just not to feel dead. You think I’m alive when she’s cut off my head? I call her Effie, you might know her as Ana If you ask her, she’ll deny it and blame binge-eating Matilda. You see, there’s two girls in my head that want to kill me and now blame you. You see, these two girls in my head that have found their way in again, framing you. No, no, really- my hair’s fallen out. These are extensions. My Instagram’s a liar, don’t pay me any attention! I didn’t have a new navel made to improve my dimensions. I had a new navel made to compete with my demons. I just do lots of burpees to forget that he raped me. You want me to be like you, no willpower, no desire? There, there. Will this make you feel better to watch me eat this doughy tire? Remember when I wrote these doughnut “holes won’t fill the holes you feel”? That was really very inspired. But you’re right, Noanne. I can just eat this one. No, you’re right Noanne. I will just eat this one. Can’t believe it’s been two years! I wil just bite this one. I will just eat the half. Just the half. And be done. I will just save this half. Save this half now, for later. I already put in my calories; already allotted for later. I will just have one more half. I have the calories displayed here, but I don’t even need that… All I see is her face here. And he said I was pretty. Beyond me, he stared at her breasts. And he said I was smart. While he made her undress. And he said I was great. But then he confessed. And this story’s much more… but there goes my chest. And I can’t get fat. He just wanted to date her…. And he said it again, he can’t help how he rates her. I can never even be a nine the ten way that he slates her. Poor him, he said he’s never even touched a ten. After the first bite was chemical- the second sublime. I bite one with the cream dreamy lemony-lime. And one with the chocolate shortening glaze. God, I haven’t in ages had this taste and-this-taste-and You know? What a waste! Maybe she’s right, all this time! I spent depriving myself of my smile, and that I should crave an icingly sweet maybe-just-once-in-a-while? Now my drive-thru is mine again and I find myself in the line again and this is just like that time when I drove around and around again-until Now I gained the fifty pounds on your back back on me again NOANNE! Does that makes you relax again? Probably safer for me anyway, cause now I don’t have to put out again. No one whistles while I workout and… I’ve just disappeared again. No one follows me back and I just lose myself typing away again. Now Effie licks her wounds Matilda wants pizza more than to wear a bathing suit. And my legs just jiggle. Life is very cruel. “You’ll just have your water” while she-eats-her-chocolate-on-Zoom making us-both-feel-bad. The Fruit-of-the-loom rides up my ass, sweat drips down my crack. July is so fucking hot. Unlike me, now. Do you know he called me fat? No? You never assumed? After I lost my body, My doctor said this to my Asperger’s brain: She said, as a-matter-of-factly, I was being quite insane That the whole fucking time your question was purely about you. And that I simply didn’t pick it up because of poor social cues. No, your question was not even TO me. It was to the room. No, your question, “Don’t you ever just crave a doughnut? that was typed out in my head that I took l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y Was more about you than it was about me. That never occurred to me. That never occurred to me. THAT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME. And now – – – I never knew I made you feel anything. I thought you were saying I was weird. That I was wrong to be strong. I was wrong to be me. That I’m not fit for your friend because I’m fit not lazy, that I am too sensory and when you grabbed my arms and squeezed to help me breathe, were you just patronizing me? Or do you really like me? Everytime I’d come close you would just pick up and leave! Damn, maybe I am just too damn autistic, maybe you know, that I just dont fit in and… Maybe you know, that I just will never have more friends, that I am too much that I am maxed out at my two Maybe I am just not enough for you, Noanne. So I quit everything I talked myself out of and now Everyone but me is comfortable with me now, see? See me now, see? And everyone from high school can smirk and grin again. And everyone who knows me now can feel better about themselves now that I am fat again. But I’m sure it won’t be that long again until Effie tries to come along to slay me down again. Except this time she may win my end. What kind of doughnut did you say you wanted again? You’ll have the one with sprinkles, my friend. -plethaura

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